Robocop Remake: I'm Not Buying That For a Dollar!

The content of PoseurFeed will typically be more of the music-related variety, but exceptions shall be made when appropriate.  When bullshit needs to be called PF will be on the case.  That’s what’s important here.

RoboCop during better times

Ladies and gentleman: today, February 12, 2014 will go down in history as a very sad day for cinematographic history.  The remake of RoboCop can now be seen by the public.  Flags fly at half mass.  Moments of silence are being held at sporting events.  Sales of anti-depressants are already on the rise.  The world may never recoup. 

If Hollywood has the gall to remake RoboCop, nothing is sacred.  It’s not anywhere near the most popular movie of all time but out of every movie set in the future that I have ever seen this one stands the test of time more than any.  It paints an ugly picture of the course set by capitalism as well as its influence in media and marketing, much of which has already been eerily foretold since its 1987 release.  The story in no way needs retelling.

But the saying “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” obviously doesn’t apply here.  I don’t see what more anyone could offer to this story.  For a split second I got tricked into thinking I might give it a try due to the quite appealing casting, but even silly loud-man Samuel L Jackson can’t make me want to see this.   The PG-13 rating and mediocre initial reviews are good indicators of an inevitable steaming pile of shit.  Also the PSA that Robo is featured in for drinking and driving recently was a pretty gnarly slap to the face (apparently there was some Just Say No-esque PSA that was similar in the 80’s…but screw you, don’t change the subject here).

Now I realize that it’s ill-advised to judge something without giving it a chance, but the original film is sacred.  On top of being a movie which offers a clear view of the evils of capitalism, it’s also a very exciting and entertaining film: brutal with some seriously gory moments and at times humorous with aspects such as clever and often vulgar one-liners as well as the “commercials”.

It is a movie that never tires, a fact proven in 2003 when my buddy Doug Allison had to see it at least once a month for the entire year thanks to a New Year’s resolution.  I lived with him at this point.  We were also in a touring band together.  Thanks to Doug I know the genius and there’s no need for imitation.

Hollywood: why the fuck are you doing this to us?!  Get an original idea or remake a film that would have something worthwhile to tinker with.  I’ve come around to the concept of remakes a bit over the years but this will NEVER be OK!  You REALLY fucked up.

2/12, never forget!

side note: RoboCop 2 is also pretty awesome.  3?  Maybe not so much.

BONUS ROUND!

Here is an article that Doug wrote a decade ago for my zine that I stopped doing around that time, so this has actually never seen the light of day to my knowledge.  Better late than never I suppose.

Top Ten Moments Of Robocop

OK, if you know me, you will know that last year, I made a New Year's resolution to watch the 1987 film Robocop once every month for the year of 2003.  That’s 12, count ‘em, twelve times.  For those of you who have never seen Robocop, what the shit are you doing with your life?  You’re probably still in school, learning, or busting your ass for minimum wage.  You people are such squares sometimes.

Anyways, it centers around a cop named Alex Murphy who is brutally gunned down in the line of duty by a gang of six ruthless criminals/drug lords whom he was trying to nab.  His mind is put into a cyborg police enforcement unit, and thus is born Robocop.  Once again, if you haven’t seen it, you suck.  Big ones.  I’m not even going to bother with any more plot description, but you must see it if you haven’t already.  If you HAVE seen it, then goddammit, you will understand.

10) ED-209 disagrees at the board meeting

9) “I’ll buy that for a dollar!”

8) “Hey Robo, Robo!  Got any words for the kids at home?”  “Stay out of trouble”

7) Ultra violent execution of Murphy

6) Shootout at the cocaine factory

5) “Guns, guns, guns!!”

4) “Once I even called him ‘asshole’”

3) “Pakistan’s invading my border!  That’s it buster, no more military aid!”

2) Emil, the melting nightmare

1)“Bitches leave!”

Doug later wrote a review of the movie on his blog Scummified (warning: there are lots of spoilers).