Fuck the Beatles and Fuck You If You Think We’ll Shut Up: A Response

or: 2 Down 2 To Go

nice fedora, douchebag

This is a response to a piece written on Vice a while back.  I started working on this a couple days after but lost motivation.  Well, I finally finished it.  Let's see what sort of shit this stirs up...

My dislike for the Beatles has apparently reached legendary proportions with people who know me personally.  So when Dan Ozzi’s Shut Your Dumb, Stupid Mouth About the Beatles Being Overrated started making waves online, I was the first person my friend Mark thought to share this link with.  Suddenly my bookface wall got really entertaining – catching up with old friends while discussing the importance of the Fab Four.

At some point Mark, who owns a record store in Asheville, NC, commented “Obviously he doesn't know the folks like you that he’s up against!”  And at the risk of sounding too arrogant for my own good I must say that I agree.  I won’t shut up.  In fact, I’ma go long-winded on your ass!

So guess what?  I call bullshit!  Like, oh great, another fucking wise-ass who has to come out to defend the Beatles’ all-important status in rock history… and this time it’s coming from a guy who thinks weak shit like “All You Need Is Love” could be the Beatles song to break me?!  You sure about that, brah?!

And I’m not going to stop with calling bullshit on Mr. Ozzi.  Oh no.  I’m coming after every motherfucker who has ever tried to make me see otherwise.  You’re a Beatles fan.  There are so many of you assholes…why can’t you just be happy that so many people share your appreciation, when the few of us who don’t cannot escape it ever?!  You have to ALWAYS remind us of how wrong we are, about a fucking opinion.  Hey, I’m passionate about my opinions too (perhaps this is obvious), but I am so sick of these people and their need to shove their regurgitated points down my throat (seriously, does anyone actually have a point I haven’t heard already?!  You think you have one I haven’t heard before?  I’m willing to take that wager).  Fuck the fuck off already!

"HELP!" is what I exclaim every time I'm stuck somewhere listening to "Come Together"

It almost always starts with the Beatles’ importance.  It’s as if people think they invented rock and roll.  But for all purposes popular rock-related, they weren’t on the map until the summer of 1962 when they released “Love Me Do”.  Again, the summer of 19-fucking-62!

Are you being for fucking seriously?!  These mop-headed lil shits are more important than Chuck Berry and Bo Diddley?  Or Elvis - who, if nothing else, made the genre palatable to a bunch of fucking racist honkeys?   Do the importance of Buddy Holly, Fats Domino, surf rock, garage rock, doo wop, rockabilly, Bill Haley and His Comets’ “Rock Around the Clock”, Link Wray’s invention of the power cord, or the sound innovations of Les Paul and Ronnie Spector mean NOTHING?  We really needed the Beatles to get us where we are, when all of that had already happened?!  Bullshit!

And how are you going to act so sure of the point that the Beatles’ influence is a good thing overall?  For starters they put the final nail in the coffin for blues finishing the job Elvis started.  I mean, how the fuck did we go from Robert Johnson - easily more important than the Beatles, but far less renowned - to that vanilla fuckstick John Mayer?!  What in the motherfuck happened?  Beatlemania happened, that’s what.  At least when the Rolling Stones stole from the black man they showed their appreciation by doing things like hooking Howlin’ Wolf up with his only ever television appearance.

Then there’s the phenom known as boy bands.  It could be argued that they weren’t a boy band - they weren’t recruited and constructed by some form of management, plus they actually played their own instruments.  Those points are irrelevant to me because guess who is the earliest band I can think of that was comprised of a bunch of pretty boys whose music is so candy-assed that it makes my ears have a fucking toothache?  And now pop culture has evolved into what it is today.  How are the Beatles at least not partially to blame here?

But the attempts of pushy fans at validating the Fab Four don’t stop there (they never seem to stop).  What about their influence on psychedelic rock?  Can I seriously discredit them there?  No, not entirely, but I again don’t think we needed them.  After all, the 13^th Floor Elevators called and wanted you to know they released their self-titled debut in August 1966.  Guess what was also released during the very same month?  Revolver.  Until then, the Beatles were almost completely void of any hints of psychadelia. Revolver flirts with the concept at most.  Grow your hair out and wear all the dumb shit you want - it would have happened anyways.  You’re still not needed here.

OK: hate as I might, even though elements of the genre already existed, and things would have come along without them - there’s no doubt that the Beatles’ influence is tremendous.  Sure, they influenced a lot of crap, but they influenced a lot of great stuff as well.  In fact, every single one of my fave acts cited them as a major influence.  Sonic Youth, Thin Lizzy, T.Rex, etc.  Hell, even Nina Simone did a pretty great cover of “Here Comes the Sun”.

My problem is that just because history happened doesn't mean you have to like it.  In fact it seems like most of notable human history is pretty shitty overall.  The Beatles are no different, nevertheless there once was a time I could claim that even though I didn't like them I was glad they existed for their contributions.  But my friend Logan, ex-bandmate and fellow Beatles’ hater, dropped a bomb of wisdom on me a few years ago: it would be pretty interesting to see how music would have evolved if they had never existed.

And holy shit, he was totally right!  I suddenly imagined music as less polished and more authentic.  Trying to be pop-oriented wouldn’t be as important but performing technical stuff more influenced by jazz would surely be.  The music industry would be less obsessed on capitalizing on fads - a damaging aspect of music in general for decades that only recently seems to be fading.  There would be different Sonic Youths.  There would be different Thin Lizzys and T.Rexes.  Everything would totally be OK.  I can’t prove it of course, but I believe that with all of my black, over-opinionated heart.

The extremely overwhelming popularity of the Beatles is not a good thing and I seriously doubt you could make me see otherwise.  You can try to use the influence/importance argument.  You can try to say that because they were so successful that I’m blind for not understanding their genius.  Millions and millions of Beatles’ fans can’t be wrong, right?

Well, I think they are.  I also don’t think Bon Jovi are good enough to exist, much less be one of the highest grossing rock acts of all time.  They ruined hair metal, fuck them.  The Eagles’ first greatest hits collection is the highest selling record of all time in the US.  That is an outright goddamned travesty.  Peter Frampton’s Frampton Comes Alive! is 6x platinum in the States - one of the greatest selling live records of all time.  The best use of that album would probably be the time my dad and some of his friends used it for target practice.  Go ahead and keep using this flimsy-assed argument against us.  It’s probably the lousiest one you’ve got.

To beat my dead horse: my favorite hardcore punk band is Mohinder, a mid-90s band out of Cali that 95% of the people reading this will have never heard of.  They lasted around a year before moving onto other excellent bands that are about as obscure.  Everything they ever did plus two live sets fit on a discography CD released a few years after their demise.  Yet this band has had a serious impact on how I write and play fast, loud music.

Now, putting these guys above other more popular bands of the genre - Black Flag, Minor Threat, etc. - probably makes me seem like an elitist asshole almost as much as my disapproval of the Beatles does.  But the way Mohinder’s music makes me feel is undeniable.  I could listen to that discography disc every week for the rest of my life and it would never get tiring.  That’s my opinion, and their popularity (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with it.  Popularity shouldn’t have such an impact on these kinds of judgments.  Think for yourself, you fucking sheep!

Look, I fucking get it, OK?  The Beatles ARE important.  I totally realize I am part of a serious minority and that my opinions on this are often not super appreciated.  Hell, a dismissal of Beatlemania is probably grounds for termination of some friendships.  You don’t have to agree with me and I’m willing to bet that after reading this you probably still don’t.

But we the haters don’t need your bullshit anymore.  Most of us aren’t trying to be cool, we just let our ears decide what we like just like you fuckers.  We have a right to an opinion too and fuck you if you think we’re gonna shut up.  In fact, you just made this hater louder.